Over the past few days of (Baruch Hashem) relative calm Faigie and I have had a growing sense of unease.
Just two weeks ago, at the drop of a hat (or the smile of delicious Benny), hot tears of prayers would flow down our cheeks at any point of the day or night.
Now, with the relative calm of the “off weeks of treatment”, those teary outburtst are fewer and further apart. This is not comforting… In fact, it is frightening.
What if we only started to see the beginning of Benny’s Refuah because of the tears of anguish? Will Hashem continue to listen to us without that minute by minute terror?
We were talking about this last night over a motzei shabbos slice of pizza when the following thought struck.
Dovid hamelech left us the legacy of tehillim which contain so many beautiful tefillos that are being said daily on Benny’s behalf. Within those beautiful chapters, however, we find some conflicting messages that we need to reconcile in our daily interactions with Hashem.
How can we live with עבדו את השם בשמחה (serve Hashem with joy) and at the same time live מן המצר קראתי קה (from the narrow straits I call out…) or ממעמקים קראתיך השם (from the depths I cry out to you Hashem)?
I think the explanation might be in the words that seem to accompany many of the more “pained” statements in tehillim. קראתי, קראתיך, I call or cry out to you… Hashem. When it is the time for prayers (which admittedly might be ten times a day now – versus the halachically prescribed three times) we need to summon the feeling of being trapped, the emotion of terror that causes us to weep and scream silently (or not so silently) – “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let it all work, Hashem, the only real Rofeh who doles out the only real therapies! Please let us do the right things by all of our precious children!” It’s not simply that we call out when we are in dire straits- we have to feel the dire straits whenever we call out!
We are required, even through the scariest periods of our life, to serve Hashem with joy. At the same time, when those moments of prayer arrive as scheduled or are foisted on us by events – we are required call out from the depths of our souls.
This week, Binyomin Chaim Ben Faigie Sarah begins his second round of chemotherapy after a surgery on Monday morning.
Please continue to find it in your hearts’ to daven “from the depths” for his Refuah Shelaimah Min Hashamayim and may your tefillos and maasim tovim (good deeds) for Benny serve to protect you and your loved ones until the coming of Mashiach במהרה בימינו אמן.
Ari and Faigie